Between Choice and Destined Path

It was in the begining at the new department in my office I feel some pain (I’m so sorry for saying this) but I could not share here the reason why.  But in my last post I said:

 There will always be pain and pleasure.

And there will always be fear, that you can change into power.”

When I feel those feelings, I was asking Allah to make my feeling better.

Then, somebody called me. She is a General Manager of a company, approached me for a job that interest me pretty much. Sure, I’m excited. Then I met her (somebody who called me). She want me to join her team. Considering my condition lately, of course I’d love to say "yes!". And I thought “Oh Allah, did YOU answer my prays right now?” I found some dots of Brightness. 

In the other hand,

My manager (in my office at that time) told me that I have to prepare my self because I will get promotion to be a team leader. So I feel like I have a choice between..become a team leader or move on. I thought about it for a long time, I talked to someone who I consider as my mentor, Pak Rizki. He said hold on. Think about it. “I don’t want you to leave this company, let’s face the challenge together.” That is the conclusion of our meeting that time.

I also talked to my friend. I guess he could gimme another perpective and yes he can. He said, “you have three choices;

1. you leave,

2. Stay and you just need to be patience,

3. Stay, and change the condition! And I suggest you to choose number three.”

He said that everywhere we are, we might be face something we don't like. So it’s not about the environment or places; it is not about “where we are” but “WHO WE ARE?” how we face it. I remember what he said “karena sesuatu yang kurang enak, tantangan, keadaan yang susah, itulah yang akan membentuk kita.” He is right tho.

“do I really have a choice between stay and leave?”

I said to my friend “I think I dont need to choose, let Allah show me the way.” I was so sure that I don’t need to decide anything but let Allah show me what should I do next. Even in my deepest heart I know what I want: I really want to leave.

But it was right. Someone who approached me called me again, and she said “Dear Irna, I am so sorry that I could not aprroach you because of “something” (I couldn’t say here) and I can approach you again in one or two years after you resign from your current company.

I was so sad and hopeless. I can be approached after one or two years after my resignation? :’( Yes, this is the answer. I was right that I don’t need to choose between stay and leave. Allah show me the the way.

Oh Ya Allah YOU know this is not what I want. But I have to face this. I have to trust YOU that this is the best from YOU. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay… I just have to wait for another “surprise”

After that, the condition was getting better. There were many things that make me happy in there such as I have Ka Tiara who are really nice, we can laugh together all day long. I have A Oda too, he is very kind and also smart, and some another friends in the office. I’m also happy with this department’s new morning spirit habit. We started to recite Qur’an together every morning. I can go home with my friend too (since it’s quite far between home and office). But one thing left behind in my mind:

I don’t believe in choice anymore. I don’t think that I need to pray for what I want anymore. It was only “Ya Allah, You know what’s the best for me and I don’t know at all. I don’t wanna ask you what I want because I don’t know if it’s good or not for me. And I’m afraid I will be sad if I pray for what I want but then it’s not good for me. So Ya Allah just give me a beautiful heart which can be grateful for whatever you gave me. And make me happy because I'm feel so close to You."

Then, the condition was getting worse again. But again, I could not talk to anyone about this. Nobody even my friends at office understand exactly the reason why and I could not tell them at all.

I feel something “blue”, I have no clue. Condition and situation started from 9am in the morning untill 7pm was full of sadness in the deepest of heart , I feel uncomfortable. I could not describe what happened. But the good things is.. every dhuha, dzuhur and ashar I can really feel selfless in my shalat and pray. I tell Allah what I feel and with full of resignation and I ask HIM to give me a brighter way. I was always crying in front my creator and it was felt so wonderful. It was happened everyday..There is always a bright side even in the darkness. I also felt grateful and I was realized that without that condition may be I wont feel that wonderful selfless with full hope resignation in my shalat and prays

It was about a month in that ‘worst’ condition, while I was seeking another path for my carrier at that time, somebody called me.

“Assalamualaikum Irna,”

“Waalaikumsalam..Ms..”

“Apa kabar.. gimana disana? Kamu masih mau ngga sama tawaran saya?”

I am sure you all do understand how does it feel :’) I don’t want to say loud it here just lemme keep it only between me and Allah. All praises to HIM. 

So Allah has already answer my pray after those sadness feelings. In the end I am grateful for all the things happened. Without feel the sadness, we might be never know what happiness is.

"Fa innama al usri yusra..innama al usri yusra"

we know that Allah knows what’s the best for us while we don’t know. I am waiting for your thought in comment okay? And thank you for reading this very long post :’) See you in the next post insha Allah.