February 2015
In the name of
Allah Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Assalamualaikum
everyone! It was since November I have not share anthing yet. But don’t you know? From November until
now, February, I had been through many things that i do not know what to say Oh
Ya Allah it is just like.. all the feelings cames at one time. I was facing the
situation that could change my life.
Got the deal again with the word “ikhlas” , “surrender” (and I know
that learning
and understanding those things
will be never end until we go back to Allah SWT.) and I
really realize that myself have no power, you know, laa
haula walaa quwwata illa billah. It’s really true that there is no power or any
ability except from Allah SWT. We are human. Allah created us. Without His help I may be in lost.
Learning process is
always happens everytime. Through what we feel, what we see, through what happens
around us. Through mistakes, missunderstanding, bad things, and nice things. And
all the things that happens are the gift. Yes, it is a gift. Alhamdulillah.
I have posted about
my “another phase of life”. Now I
have more complete story to share. I do not know, I feel that I found many
lessons and I want to share them to you.
First, about Choice.
“do I really have a choice?”
It was in the begining at the new department in my office I feel some pain (I’m so sorry for saying
this) but I could not share here the reason why. But
in my last post I said:
There will always be pain and pleasure.
And there will always be fear, that you can
change into power.”
When
I feel those feelings, I was asking Allah to make my feeling better.
Then,
somebody called me. She is a General Manager of a company, approached me for a job that
interest me pretty much. Sure, I’m excited. Then I met her (somebody who called
me). She want me to join her team. Considering my condition lately, of course
I’d love to say "yes!". And I thought “Oh
Allah, did YOU answer my prays right now?” I found some dots of Brightness.
In the other hand,
My
manager (in my office at that time)
told me that I have to prepare my self because I will get
promotion to be a team leader. So I feel like I have a choice between..become a
team leader or move on. I
thought about it for a long time, I talked to someone who I consider as my
mentor, Pak Rizki. He said hold on. Think about it. “I don’t want you to leave this company, let’s face the challenge
together.” That is the conclusion of our meeting that time.
I
also talked to my friend. I guess he could gimme another perpective and yes he
can. He said, “you have three choices;
1.
you leave,
2.
Stay and you just need to be patience,
3.
Stay, and change the condition! And I suggest you to choose number three.”
He said that everywhere we are, we might be face something we don't like. So
it’s not about the environment or places; it is not about “where we are” but “WHO WE ARE?” how
we face it. I remember what he said “karena sesuatu yang kurang enak,
tantangan, keadaan yang susah, itulah yang akan membentuk kita.” He is right tho.
“do
I really have a choice between stay and leave?”
I
said to my friend “I think I dont need to choose, let Allah show me the way.” I was so sure that I don’t
need to decide anything but let Allah show me what should I do next. Even in my deepest heart I know what I want: I really want to
leave.
But it was right. Someone who
approached me called me again, and she said “Dear
Irna, I am so sorry that I could not aprroach you because
of “something” (I couldn’t say here) and I can approach you again in one or two
years after you resign from your current company.
I
was so sad and hopeless. I can be approached after one or two years
after my resignation? :’( Yes, this is the answer. I was right that I don’t
need to choose between stay and leave. Allah show me the the way.
Oh Ya
Allah YOU know this is not what I want. But I have to face this. I have to
trust YOU that this is the best from YOU. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay… I
just have to wait for another “surprise”
After that, the condition was getting better.
There were many things that make me happy in there such as I have Ka Tiara who
are really nice, we can laugh together all day long. I have A Oda too, he is
very kind and also smart, and some another friends in the office. I’m also
happy with this department’s new morning spirit habit. We started to recite
Qur’an together every morning. I can go home with my friend too (since it’s quite far between home and office). But one
thing left behind in my mind:
I
don’t believe in choice anymore. I don’t think that I need to pray for what I
want anymore. It was only “Ya Allah, You know what’s the best for me and I
don’t know at all. I don’t wanna ask you what I want because I don’t know if
it’s good or not for me. And I’m afraid I will be sad if I pray for what I want
but then it’s not good for me. So Ya Allah just give me a beautiful heart which can be grateful for whatever you gave me. And make me happy because I'm feel so close to You."
Then, the condition was
getting worse again. But again, I could not talk to anyone about this. Nobody even
my friends at office understand exactly the reason why and I could not tell
them at all.
I
feel something “blue”, I have no clue. Condition and situation started from 9am in the morning untill 7pm was full of sadness in the deepest of heart
, I feel uncomfortable. I could not describe what happened. But
the good things is.. every dhuha, dzuhur and ashar I can really feel selfless
in my shalat and pray. I tell Allah what I feel and with full of resignation and I ask HIM
to give me a brighter way. I was
always crying in
front my creator and it was felt so wonderful. It was happened everyday..There is always
a bright side even in the darkness. I also felt grateful and I was realized
that without that condition may be I wont feel that wonderful selfless with
full hope resignation in my shalat and prays
It was about a month in that ‘worst’ condition,
while I was seeking another path for my carrier at that time, somebody called
me.
“Assalamualaikum Irna,”
“Waalaikumsalam..Ms..”
“Apa kabar.. gimana disana? Kamu masih mau ngga
sama tawaran saya?”
I am sure you all do understand how does it
feel :’) I don’t want to say loud it here just lemme keep it only between me
and Allah. All praises to HIM.
So Allah has already answer my pray after those
sadness feelings. In the end I am grateful for all the things happened. Without
feel the sadness, we might be never know what happiness is.
"Fa innama al usri yusra..innama al usri yusra"
we know that Allah knows what’s the best for us while we don’t know. I am
waiting for your thought in comment okay? And thank you for reading this very
long post :’) See you in the next post insha Allah.
